Let's catch up

Now that my school year is pretty much in the home stretch, I've been on a roller coaster of ups and downs, sweet days and stressful days. With most essays and assignments out of the way, I am really looking forward to being a full time stay at home mom again. At least for the summer.

I get seriously buried in guilt when I start to over-think about Carter. I worry if his daily routine is okay, if he minds his parents being in school and away from him, if this is not how it should be. So, I feel like this summer will be the time to dust those worries away and to spend quality time with Carter.

He is so active and his cheery personality just makes my day. Just this morning, we cuddled in bed for a good 30 minutes while I made up at least 7 different stories about him and animals. C loves books and stories so you could imagine how excited he was to be a part of these stories with cows, horses, dogs, chicken, and all. He'd exclaim "MORE! MORE!" right after joining me in saying "theeeee end!" So, that was a blast.

Also, as if the chubby cheeks and big eyes aren't cute enough for me, my little guy has been whipping out his manners - without me asking! Pleases and thank yous with a bit of a lisp = my melted heart on a silver platter! It's not a lie when people say that kids can surprise you. Not too long ago, we were spending time with Kyle's brothers and sisters who had some friends over. A few of the sixteen year olds were making fun of each other when Carter budded in with a "Don't say thaaaaat." It got a few giggles out of us and I made sure to let him know that I was glad he was being such a nice boy.

Good days, good manners, and good moods all come with good weather. It's been burning hot for the past few weeks - except today got weirdly cold - and for a while it felt like Canada decided to skip spring and jump into summer. Just to see buds blooming makes my little heart jump! Who doesn't love the sun? Anyways, things seem to be looking up from here.

And last but not least, what would a catching up post be without our most recent instagram pics?

Yesterweek

Why hello, lovelies! I am happy to announce that I am full of energy at this very moment simply because I haven't blogged for almost a week! (Pardon my M.I.A.-ness) Blogging when inspiration is at its peak and when I am not pressuring myself is fabulous. Anyways, reflecting on my yesterweek seems like the right thing to do with a new week ahead.

Monday:

I visited my grandparents and my Aunt. It turned into quite a sad visit with my Nonno (you can read more about it here).

Tuesday:

I gave my hair a treat! I have been chemically abusing - a.k.a. dyeing - my hair since I was 12 years old and every season I crave a new hair color. Well, instead of giving in to my most recent urge to switch up my hair color, I opted for a treatment. My hair has grown SO much in the past year that I just couldn't go and kill it again. I got a formaldehyde-free keratin hair treatment. It has made my hair silky, smooth, less-frizzy, and it has almost completely reduced my messy curls/waves. It's supposed to last for about 12 weeks and I can already see myself going back to get another treatment when the time comes. My hair hasn't felt this healthy in years!

Wednesday:

Oh hey, management exam. I studied a lot for this bad boy and went into the lecture hall feeling quite confident. Luckily, I walked out still feeling confident and I hope that stays the same when my grades are posted.

Thursday:

This Thursday was probably one of the most significant school-related days of my life. I attended an alumni networking night for my program and finally got an idea of what I want my majors to be and what position I want when I am done school. I think that I have always known what kind of work I'd like to do but I didn't know what the position was called or how to get there. Well, when this woman was describing her job as Assistant Editorial Producer for a magazine, it did not take long for my heart to jump at every word she was saying. She described my dream job. Now, I am stoked that my dreams are back on track - especially since the craziness of being a mom and student at the same time can kind of make them falter.

Friday:

I woke up Friday morning with crazy back pain! Back pain has become apart of my everyday life since having Carter but this was different. I couldn't bend down to pick up Carter's clothes and it was just painful. I rushed to get an hour-long massage. Thank goodness! It helped so much! The only problem is that massage therapy is too temporary of pain relief for me - the pain relief only lasts about a day - and so I have arranged a doctor's appointment to take a deeper look at this back issue. By the evening, I was in better spirits spending time with Carter and the hubby's family. Low-key Fridays are underrated.

Saturday:

More family time! Yay! We went out to an italian pizzeria and followed up with some window shopping to walk off the big meal - and sweets - we had just gobbled down. I snuck in a bit of me time late at night with a trip to the grocery store. I've never really thought of grocery shopping as a way to relax but I guess it can be one of those me time type things.

Sunday:

Mother nature must love us because the sun was out and the weather was perfect. Sadly, I only got to enjoy it from my window. School work took control of my day. My mom helped me out with Carter and took him out to the park. It was obvious that he had a blast because he conked out for a few hours afterwards!

A sad day

A few years ago, my grandfather had a series of strokes and surgeries which left him unable to walk and function like he used to. My grandmother, the person with the biggest heart, tried her best to take care of him at home despite her old age and osteoporosis. It came to the point where she was risking her health in order to take care of him and the only option was to put him in a nursing home. That was over a year ago.

Nonno (Christmas 2012)

Today, on my day off, I finally decided to pay my Nonno a visit. Unfortunately, this time was different. My aunt and I approached Nonno - who was sitting in his reclined wheelchair with his eyes shut. He easily dozes in and out of sleep so we shook him gently to get his attention and say hello. I immediately gave him a kiss on the cheek like I always do. He stared at me. I took off my glasses. Maybe he wasn't used to seeing me in them. I smiled hoping for his smile in return. Instead, he took off his glasses too. Without anything blocking his widened eyes, it was like I could read his thoughts. My aunt asked, "Do you know who this is?" Nonno shook his head.

I have never experienced true grief and, for that reason, I am so afraid of losing someone. I tell myself that my Nonno is still here, that he isn't gone yet, but it's difficult to know that parts of him are slipping away.

"It's Diana, your granddaughter," my aunt said. He still looked confused and I still smiled. I knew that this day would come and, to be honest, I had a feeling it would be today. It made my heart sink, but what mattered was that I was there. Whether he recognized me or not, even though he didn't say a word, I still showed up to sit beside him and to walk him through the nursing home halls.

On my drive home, the sun was blinding. The flares of light reminded me of entering a vision or a dream. I imagined the days when my Nonno was cheery, when he would play Italian card games with me (and let me win), when he would hand me the remote when he was watching soccer, and when I would sing and dance and make him smile.

Sometimes it takes pictures and videos to remember what Nonno looked and sounded like then. As soon as I hear his voice or see a photo of him smiling, all of this warmth floods into my soul. I think it's a mixture of love and appreciation because I know that my Nonno, who typically seemed old-fashioned and stern, opened his heart to me. When he would smile or laugh with me, it felt rare and special and making him happy has always made me happy.

Nonno and 3-year-old me

This is one big, teary-eyed subject for me. It is hard to be the unrecognizable girl with her fingers crossed so that maybe her Nonno will remember her tomorrow. I can't know that he'll remember me ever again. I do know that my Nonno is one of the few people on this planet that I desperately love - not just because he is my grandfather but because he is such an amazing person. I know that he is still here and that I will kiss him hello again.

Team iPhone, we have a problem.

It's 2012. Technology is everywhere. Kids are technology-savvy at such a young age. For goodness sake, I was using PowerPoint at 3 years old. And even though I am a young mom who understands that my kid is going to love technology, I think it's so important that there is a balance between the technology sort of toys (mini laptops, things with all kinds of buttons, etc.) and the traditional sort of toys (wooden toys, blocks, chalkboards, etc.). Well, that plan of mine - to get Carter to enjoy the things that aren't touch screen - is HARD to carry out!

Every single time, Kyle or I pull out our iPhones, Carter freaks out! He starts screaming "mine! mine!" and will literally bawl his eyes out and do the whole jump-up-and-down tantrum thing. He truly thinks it is a toy. And while he does use it amazingly - Angry Birds, Temple Run, Fruit Ninja and all - I am really trying to get him off of it so that his iPhone obsession will come to a halt, so that he understands the actual purpose of a phone, and so that my phone won't be damaged.

I feel bad, but this situation needs for me to be consistent... even if it means dealing with a storm of tears every time I have to make a call. Any other parents dealing with the same problem?

Regularness

While I'd love to give you guys a bunch of amazing pictures, I don't have any right now. Sometimes - when moments like these come around - I get that 'my-post-won't-be-good-enough' feeling. It's a feeling that derives from what content control can't hide - the regularness (a new word that I just made up) that I tend to tell myself isn't worth sharing on my blog.. because it's too regular and too boring and too self-explanatory to my readers. When that feeling comes around, I know I need to step out of my whiny, perfectionist box and just push myself to write. Plus, an update never hurts.

To start, this week is my reading week - a week off from school to read slash a university student's excuse to sleep in. For me, it's a time to go insane over planning Carter's 2nd birthday party which is coming up very soon!

I can't believe that I have such a handsome and lively toddler who I could swear I was just swaddling and cradling in my arms five minutes ago. It is crazy how fast they grow. And that line may sound seriously cliche and over said and just so 'mom-ish.' But it's true! And it doesn't help when motherhood makes you the biggest sap (like in my case). It's like my heart keeps whispering, "Stop growing now, baby. I just want to enjoy this for a little while longer." What other kind of love can make you so crazy to the point that you want to deal with tantrums? I can't say that there is anything like motherhood.

Motherhood has changed me so much. Or wait. Let me rephrase that. I think that motherhood has brought out a really great part of my heart, the part of me that is loving and compassionate and self-less. As a teenager, I thought I didn't have any use for that part of myself and it just remained locked away. But now, it is everything to me. And my life is really centred around being whole-hearted. You know, not being perfect but just doing everything with good intentions, appreciation, and faith. I guess it is also called growing up.

Take now as an example. I am undoubtedly tired. But I cannot put my head to rest. I don't want to close my eyes and I don't want to fall asleep (sorry! Had to add a little Aerosmith in there) because I would rather gaze at Carter while he sleeps. His cheeks are still chubby and they are quite rosy right now thanks to his eczema. He looks extremely peaceful. I wonder what he dreams about.

I may not be able to see into his dreams but I do know that when he is awake he is full of joy. He's always laughing and he loves his family. On my birthday last Saturday he walked into my room while I was asleep. I woke up after hearing his little footsteps and I said, "Good morning, Carter! Guess what! It's my birthday today!" He cuddled beside me and he softly said, "Happy birthday, Mommy." Oh man, did that make my day or did that make my day?! It just shows how pure and precious little ones are.

Another thing that I am enjoying right now is Carter's huge love for music. Last night he was singing Stereo Love while I sat there both amused and surprised. "What? You know that song?" Actually, he sings when doing almost anything. He sings to himself while he plays or when he is really focused on something. I get a good giggle out of it when he adds a high note or his own made up words to a song.

Aside from motherhood, there's not much else going on here. I am just doing my best to take care of myself and my family, to force myself to get dressed and made up when I am not feeling my best, to stop stressing over the little things, to keep up with cleaning, to keep up with the regularness as I call it. And that's the beauty of it: what I began this post with, the thought of my boring life that is unworthy of sharing, may not be exciting but because it is plain and ordinary it can be related to. We all have our own boring stuff and tough stuff that we want to mask or spice up or prettify. Interestingly, if we just lay it out as it is, it all suddenly makes sense and is worth sharing.

Hope you guys enjoyed this small update and I am wishing you a wonderful week from my corner of the internet! Hugs and kisses!

A self portrait

Obsessing over...

Carter's 2nd birthday party. I've spent a lot of time trying to make it as amazing as possible - ordering handmade decorations, buying my baking supplies (hint hint), designing the invitations, thinking of a sweet birthday gift.

Working on...

this lovely blog. I feel like I am finally getting into the blogging groove again and it has lifted my spirits!

Thinking about...

how to manage my time well. There is so much going on at school and amidst the papers due and tests to study for I am doing my best to manage my time so that Carter remains the first priority and does not feel like his mommy is absent. A typical mom dilemma.

Anticipating...

BLOGHER '12! I bought my ticket, arranged my flights, and have found roomies! My dream is coming true!

Listening to...

the 2012 Grammy nominee CD. I can't get enough of Foster the People. Seriously.

Eating...

tiramisu! It was my dad's birthday!

Wishing...

that 2012 will bring lots of joy and new learning experiences (and vacations!) for our family. And also, I wish that I could get my own small business started. I have no idea what kind of business but there is some creativity within me that is just waiting to come alive.

Linking up with The Paper Mama for her Self Photo Challenge!